Pain Dick

How many times have you been in a situation where you were talking about a painful situation: sexual/physical harassment, near-miss car accident, getting passed over for promotion, over-hearing a nasty comment being said about you, stubbing your toe, whatever…and then someone began x-splaining (man, white, straight, able-bodied, rich, right-handed) to you? Or told you that they could process what you were saying if only you were less angry or emotional about it?

I call this Pain Dick. Not to be confused with dick pain.

Pain Dick:

(noun)

• someone who is being a dick about someone else’s pain or suffering, or

(verb) 

pain dicked; pain dicking

• to figuratively pull out one’s pain and proclaim it is bigger than the other’s

Either is terrible to experience. It happens all the time, though. Men and women have done this to me. One significant other can do it to the other and vice versa. Women can do this to queer men. One BIPOC (Black/Indigenous/Person of color) can do it to another. Sometimes I speak up about it. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they hear me at the time. Sometimes they don’t.

Frankly, it’s a lot of work to explain to someone how offensive they are being when they already think you are “too emotional” to begin with. And if I’ve learned anything from these decades of my life, it is that you cannot change people; their thoughts and actions are all their own. You can influence them, if they are open to it or care about you. But most people who pain dick me are neither.

We all suffer. Everyone has lost something at some point: loved one, beloved pet, money, friendship, love, confidence, health, safety, security, faith…I don’t understand why it’s important to compare our pain.

My dad died when I was 10 and I was stalked in my early 20s by the f*cking security guard of the building in which I had my first full-time job (I reported him, had multiple witnesses to several incidents, physical evidence, and he still got to keep his job in the same building! I am still angry about being so disregarded, about this non-resolution. Apparently 25 years later, women still have to just "deal with it."). But who am I to say that my pain and suffering is greater than that of someone who got hit by a car while crossing the street? It’s like measuring apples to bicycle tires.

Instead of one-upping someone else or tearing someone down because we think they are over-reacting, let’s lift each other out of pain. Haven’t we all suffered enough? Isn’t it nice that you come from a place of privilege (to not have been stalked/hit by a car/<insert trauma here>)? Doesn’t everyone deserve to feel safe, seen, and heard?

We have such an epidemic of loneliness and pain in this country, in this world. We are the solution. The next time someone is expressing their emotional, physical, or spiritual pain, instead of (mildly or overtly) pain dicking them, try saying, “I’m sorry that happened to you. Is there anything I can do to help?”

It will do wonders for you, them, and the world.